People are always so kind to ask how I’m feeling. I’m actually doing pretty well–had a bit of a scare last Friday, but everything turned out fine. I have a horrible gag reflex so often I am clenching my jaw for fear of throwing up. Otherwise, I really am doing well. Emotionally, I bounce back and forth between being very excited to a little nervous about something going wrong.
I have to say that once we found out there were no chromosomal problems and everything was developing perfectly, and then we found out he was a boy made me feel he was even more precious. I cannot describe the emotion other than it sort of made me panic more. Why? do you ask, when you know everything is fine? I suppose I feel I have more to lose if something goes wrong. Or maybe the best way to state is that now, I’m completely attached and in love. This doesn’t mean that I love any other baby any more or less, because obviously Grace holds a very special place in my heart, even with her abnormalities. But now instead of fearing something wrong with the baby, my fears have moved to “what if my body goes into pre-term labor before 30 weeks” or “what if the cord gets wrapped around his neck?” or “what if I do something that cuts off his oxygen supply (like sleeping wrong).” It seems it would make losing him very hard–the boy we were hoping for, and we are so relieved everything came back healthy–neural tubes measuring perfect, heart chambers working properly–a miracle in itself, and my heart overflows with gratefulness.
Obviously, this is a perfect example of the love/hate relationship I have with pregnancy. My next appointment is Wednesday, and I still have that lump in my throat until see the heart beating on the ultrasound. I suppose I’m too aware of what can happen–sometimes inexplicable loss. One day you think you are pregnant, the next day you find out on ultrasound the heart has stopped, and there’s no warning or anything you can do about it. Of course, we hope and plan for the best, but until he is riding home in our car, I probably won’t completely relax 😉 Since I cannot feel him kicking yet, his life remains a mystery until the next appointment whether his heart is still beating. On the other side, this has been the least stressful pregnancy I have ever had since finding out so early that he was a boy and having ultrasounds at every appointment. It was amazing to see his perfectly formed body at 11 weeks 5 days with such a detailed non-vaginal ultrasound. (he was measuring only 1.5″)!
Now at 15 weeks we are up to the size of an apple, and from now on he will exponentially grow. I feel spoiled that I have been able to see an ultrasound at every appointment! They are truly breathtaking. As you can see, life is precious, no matter whether your baby is completely normal or has birth defects. Loving this life is the risk your heart takes knowing outside factors can end it too early. The beautiful thing is that the days of his life are already numbered. Whether I get him for 15 weeks or 2 years or 50. I’m trying to have the attitude of Samuel’s mom from the Bible–“He’s yours Lord, whatever you have planned for him, and I am grateful for the time you have given me with him.”
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